


Bad Times

by Angel_Tortured



Series: Good Times, Bad Times [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottom Castiel (Supernatural), Depression, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, First Time Bottoming, Foreplay, Friends With Benefits, Human Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Making Love, Panic Attacks, Season 9, Temporary Character Death, mentions of bottom Dean, small noncon scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:42:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23442652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_Tortured/pseuds/Angel_Tortured
Summary: When Castiel fell, it wasn't just his grace that was stolen... but his first experience as a human was stolen.Dean and Cas have had a sexual relationship for years, but it never been something Cas experienced as a human. It felt so different... Dean asking him to leave the bunker, leaving him when he needed him... now he comes back like everything is okay? Dean is going to ruin Cas's date with this hunt? Cas knows he wants Dean, not Nora... but he can't.(Chapter 1, has Cas falling from Heaven, Grace stolen, and Metatron raping him. *not in detail*, Dean and Sam find out.)(Chapter 2, you can skip chapter 1, there's no talk of the rape.)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Good Times, Bad Times [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1686454
Kudos: 24





	1. Prologue

Fear appeared on his body, with shakes and a sheen of sweat. His vessel’s heart raced to jump out of his throat. The echoes of his heart in his ears, his clammy hands pulling at the restraints. Cas revered his head away from the blade, the fist in his hair, exposing his neck. He gasped and panted at the burning slice. His grace being pulled from him, aching from his insides. The pain was unbelievable, indescribable. It was not only physical, but it was primitive in the soul. Taking his being from him, his essence. He could feel his wings falling apart, as more grace drained… the heaviness of his wings felt until they were finally ripped off his body.

He looked up, he could barely see him, barely hear him. The room was spinning, his head and body were on fire. He felt tired and weak. Rolling his head to the side, tears finally falling from his chin. Closing his eyes didn’t block out the screams that escaped his mouth. A newfound pain boiling in his pelvic. His spin felt like it would splinter-

He woke bloodied in a field, unable to stand up. His legs shaking, his stomach lurching. He saw the heavenly host fall from the sky. Burning like a thousand stars above. He couldn’t hear their screams, he couldn’t feel, or connect with any of his falling kin. He was human.

He laid on the ground, curling into a ball. This pit inside him wasn’t just in his stomach, but the pain in his rectum. He laid in the dirt until the light in the sky was gone. He laid there feeling ashamed and broken. Used, and manipulated. The only urge was to get up and find Dean, ignore Dean’s protests and fall into Dean’s arms. He only prayed Sam was okay because Metatron was using them as well, not telling them Sam would die if he finished the trials.

He gasped as he pulled himself onto all fours, before wincing as he tried to stand. He needed to get to them. Get to the bunker, he’ll be safe. He walked and walked until sunlight. His stomach growled and threatened him. His body was still trembling and in pain. He was tired… so tired. 

He wasn’t thinking when he stepped into the road and nearly got hit by a truck. His hands now covered in blood, the man was kind and got him to a phone. Forcing the money into his hand, he needed for the phone… and a meal. He wasn’t used to any of this, he was overwhelmed. He was hungry, he was tired, had no powers, no wings, he felt pain. 

Events happened so fast, and then it was agonizingly slow. He couldn’t focus over the screams in his stomach, he didn’t know what to do… wash the blood and dirt from his clothes. Or use these last few dollars for a snack. Taking the latter option he stole from the lost and found, setting back out into the cruel world that wanted him dead. All the angels were out to kill him, he was framed by Metatron for the fall. Metatron, who ruined everything…. Metatron who stole everything from him. He tried to ignore the sweat and uncomfortable feeling his body made. His body was still shaking since his fall, he would tug at his clothes, struggling to breathe. Sleep wasn’t natural for him to begin with, but this was something different. He’s seen the Winchesters sleep before, and they had gone through moments in the night. Where they’d groan and gasp, cling to sheets, cry. They were in a panic. They were scared.

Neither would ever talk about it, but it seemed normal for them. Cas found sleeping to be miserable because he was never really asleep. He kept one eye open, or he was falling into a hellish scape of mistakes. Memories of the things he did wrong, or worse… things he imagined. Dean wanted nothing to do with him, thinking he was an abomination. Cas was no longer physically pleasing, he wasn’t an angel- he was just a guy. 

He would whimper in his sleep, begging Dean to let him stay. Waking with a startle, to only figure out that’s what dreaming was like. 

Events passed that were hugely impactful. Finding a woman who seemed to show him kindness, and comfort. He was able to feel the things he had with Dean in the past, but it had been so long, so much has happened… it was more intense as a human. But like most things lately, it ended with a blade. Then it was over. He was dead. He never made it to Dean or Sam. He was tortured, then his life ended… He opened his eyes to see him. The fog cleared, his eyes focused on a pair of wet stained greens. Hands were placed upon him, Dean was cradling his face. Dean had been crying. “Dean?” His voice croaked. A pained voice responded to never do that again. He sucked in a breath seeing Sam was okay.

Dean told him to shower while they went out to get food because Cas needed to eat. Handing him some of his clothes, Cas instantly felt a weight lifted. Dean was joyous, happy he was there. He moved to sit in the tub, his legs tired from running. Leaning his head back, letting the warm water wash over his face. He rubs his shoulders, which are tight and stiff. He allows himself to relax for once since becoming human, besides the one night he put his guard down. He was in the safest place he could be, he was finally safe… but it didn’t get rid of the racing heart and anxious feelings.

Dean was waiting for him when he got out, he hadn’t realized he had taken such a long shower. Dean didn’t seem to press about it, Cas stood awkwardly in an exchange of silence. He wanted Dean to touch him, but Dean coughed and offered Cas the take out they got. Cas quickly gorged himself, which Sam watched with slight fear. “Dude slow down,” Dean said. “You’re going to make yourself puke.”

Conversations progressed, Dean seemed not really thrilled that Cas and April spent a night together. He covered it up with jokes, but Cas knew Dean long enough it bothered him. Sam was the one to ask what happened with heaven… how was Cas human- just what is going on… Cas slowly recalled what he could remember, only remembering the pain mostly. It just hurt so badly that he couldn’t see. Sam and Dean shared a look that was somber, their telepathic connection- being able to give each other a look and know what the other is thinking. Within 3...2...1, Dean was throwing the lamp off the table, Cas flinched. As Dean threw a heated rampage, before storming out. “I’ll kill him.”

“Sam…” Cas was looking down at his body shaking, his body was freezing, and burning. He was super dizzy. “Did- is it my fault- is he- because of me?” Cas couldn’t speak, and it frustrated him to no end. Trying to get words out, but it was caught in his chest. He thought he was going to puke. Sam had his hands on him, Cas wasn’t sure why his human body hated him so much. Why it reacted like this constantly. Sam was trying to calm him, get him to breathe. “Cas!” Sam yelled over the rushing sounds of blood in Cas’s ears. “You’re having a panic attack, you need to breathe or you’re going to pass out.” Cas tried to concentrate on Sam’s voice. Shaking his head, why was this so hard? 

Cas opened his eyes to laying in the infirmary, a cold washcloth on his head. Dean was sitting on a chair next to him, his leg bouncing. Cas sucked in a breath, which caught Dean’s attention. Cas was scared… of him. He shouldn’t be, but he was. Cas tried to hide his fear, gripping the sheets that were on the other side of his body, Dean couldn’t see.

“Sam… said you passed out.” Dean rubbed his neck. “That I was probably the reason.”

“I don’t… don’t know how you could be.”

“I scared you.” Dean looked away. “I was so pissed, and I didn’t react well to hearing what happened- I’m sorry okay.” Dean was shaking a little himself. Cas loosened his grip on the sheets and made almost a laugh.

“I think this is the closest apology I’ve ever gotten- I don’t understand why you are though. You didn’t scare me.”

“If that’s true then why are you white-knuckling…”

“Dean… I don’t understand what’s happening to me. These feelings, and needs. This helpless and alert feeling, that never goes away. Even when I’m safe.”

“Well, you went through a lot… and I don’t know what it’s like to have my soul, or grace ripped from me. I do know… what the other stuff feels like. What he did- you do get what he did right?” Cas watched and studied Dean, this was the softest he’s seen, Dean in almost years. Being raw, and honest. Cas was worried to give the wrong answer, but he felt like he didn’t know. 

“He took my grace, framed me, now I have a bounty on my head.”

“Yeah…” Dean rested his chin on his hand, he was holding something back.

“I guess I’m an idiot, I don’t know.” Cas snipped, he couldn’t help it. Why couldn’t Dean just tell him?

“You’re not-” Dean groaned.

“What Dean?” Cas snapped. “What am I not getting that’s bothering you so much? That I fucked up- that I trusted him-”

“No, fuck Jesus- He fucking raped you okay?” Dean snapped back but lowered his voice when Cas flinched. Cas didn’t want that to be the case, he tried to ignore it- he was honest about what had happened. He wanted it to just not be that. “Are you mad…”

“Of course I am, Cas.” Dean rolled his eyes. “Not at you though. It wasn’t your fault.”

“It kinda feels like it was.”

“I don’t know, I’m not mad, neither is Sam. We’re just worried. Sam carried you in here if anything I’m pissed you have us worried.”

“I’m sorry, I’ll try to not-”

“I don’t expect you to have a grip on stuff like that… Sam’s better at this feeling stuff.”

“Don’t you feel this way too?” Cas asked Dean shrugged.

“Well yeah, that’s I bury myself in booze, sex, and food. If I can blackout drunk then it’s a goodnight because I don’t remember shit.”

“That sounds like an unhealthy way to live…” Cas tilted his head to the side, Dean laughed. “You’re not wrong.”

He wants Dean to kiss him, he wants Dean’s hands on him, he wants to feel him. The heat, the embrace. Standing outside the door to Cas’ makeshift room, they’re both awkward. Cas is a bit disappointed when a hand touches his shoulder. He believes this is the human’s custom of the “friend-zone”. Which confuses Cas why Dean is so reserved on touching him, they’ve had sex a few times in the 5 years they’ve known each other. “Dean…” Cas tries to get the words out.

“Hmm,” Dean responded.

“With what I told you about April… and Metatron. Are you ashamed of me?” Cas said in such a soft voice, it took Dean completely off guard. “Because it wasn’t you?”

Dean’s head and shoulders drooped. He let out a heavy sigh. “Get some sleep Cas.” Giving Cas a rub of his hair before walking away, leaving Cas with a pit in his stomach. It made sleeping impossible.

Waking up, things seemed to be okay. Dean didn’t seem upset about anything, he made breakfast. He seemed excited about Cas trying bacon, and getting into a debate with Sam for foods Cas should try. Things took a turn later in the day. “Cas we need to talk…”

“You can’t stay here.” Cas felt like he was being stabbed again. This was just like his nightmares. So much so that it took Dean saying it again. Cas didn’t want to know why he knew why. It was what Cas was worried about, Dean thought he was broken and useless. He didn’t want this broken thing moping around, he’d rather have Cas fight for his life than to take care of him… Cas couldn’t blame him. Anything Dean tried to tell him after went in one ear, out the other. Just ringing bells to get out fast before he hates you more. Dean tried to get him a car, a pack, just something- but the minute Dean turned around to get anything Cas just booked it. Nothing but the clothes on his back and some money Dean gave him the day before.

Hitchhiking far as he could go, trying to go off the map as possible. Ending up almost a thousand miles away in a place called Rexburg, Idaho. Cas needed money. He could understand the gist of what he needed. Food, Water, Shelter. In order to get any of that, he needed money. Which he had left before Dean could give him anything, like a stolen credit card. Or any information on a new identity. He was too ashamed to ask Dean for any help, he didn’t want to prove Dean right. Prove that he was worthless and everything Cas thought about himself.

He sat and rested for a while, he was so hungry. He tried to think of a proactive solution… he could steal, but he might get caught and he would be sitting bait for angels if he gets arrested. He could sell himself… but this isn’t the area for that. He needed something honest, and off the radar. Cas continued his search until he found a hiring sign, oddly enough it was very easy to get. He supposed many drifters get these jobs, and the woman, Nora… didn’t seem like a reaper trying to kill him. They were really low on staff, and she’s a single mother from what he learned. Trying to find someone who’s not a college kid or other obligations have been hard. Needing a full-time worker. Cas explained he had just moved there, and needed something to do. Hiring him on the spot, asking him to come in the next day for training.

Cas struggled to find a warm place to sleep, his flannel and hoodie only kept him so warm. And it was becoming mid-fall, cold at night. He didn’t feel safe at shelters, after the smitings that followed… Cas didn’t want to keep running. He wanted to just try and have something, no longer have nothing. Nights were hard already, having panic attacks consistently, his vital urge to keep running. Nowhere felt safe, even this church he looked for refuge. They weren’t able to provide him shelter, but he was able to get food and a sleeping bag, toothbrush, and a backpack to keep things in. It gave him something. 

He slept in a trench buried over with bushes, he felt safe there besides maybe wild animals. It would do for now. He had good dreams that night, dreams that he was warm in the bunker. Dean and Sam arguing over movies Cas should watch, training him to hunt, making Dean proud of him. Those were just dreams, and Cas kept them close.


	2. Chapter 2

“I’ll have some beef jerky and a pack of menthols.” Dean’s snarky smirk, his erupt appearance in Cas’ daily routine. His panic attacks setting back in, he had worked on getting in check this last month. “What are you doing here?” Cas asked sharply, voice coded in panic and annoyance.

“Gee, it’s nice to see you too, Cas,” Dean said offended by Cas’s response to his arrival.

“It’s Steve…” Cas whispered gesturing to his name tag. “You just surprised me.” His eyes darted around avoiding contact with those painful greens. Dean continued to belittle the job Cas had established. Painfully twisting the knife that was already inside Cas, he tried to defend himself and show he wasn’t worthless for once… but of course, Dean knew how to make him feel like he was. “My Grace is gone. What did you expect? Do you have any idea how hard it was? When I fell to earth, I didn't just lose my powers. I – I had nothing.” 

He tried to look at Dean to show him his words, why couldn’t he see how much pain Cas was in? Dean followed him around the gas station, Cas’ nerves were being tested. Hairs on his body were standing. He tried the deep breathing, to avoid a full attack. 

Nora, who had asked Cas out a date. Something he was looking forward to, interrupted Dean to interject about a cleanup. Dean’s face twisted, hearing them discuss their plans for later.

“What?” Cas looked at him with confusion.

“The girl.” Dean wasn’t happy now, but he covered it up with being a snide jerk.

“No, Dean. It’s not. She’s a very nice woman, who I don’t think is a reaper trying to kill me. She’s asked me out- a date. Dates are what humans do right?”

“Hmm,” Dean puffed.

“What-” Cas snipped back. “Jealous or something?” He instantly regretted it, the minute it left his tongue he wanted to use his hands and grab it back. Luckily- maybe more painfully, Dean didn’t even react.

“Nah, my dates usually end when I run out of singles… but yeah that’s something humans do.” Dean steps away to answer a phone call, Cas began filling the mop bucket. Dean returns with almost excitement, about another kill, wanting Cas to join him.

“I wouldn’t be much help without my powers.”

“So? I’ve never had powers-”

“You’re a hunter.”

“And you’re… a hunter in training.” His big pearly smile, Cas wanted to punch him.

“Yeah, I remember you said I sucked.”

“No, I didn’t… I- I said there was room for improvement.” Dean made an awkward laugh gaining an eye roll from Cas.

“You’re such a fuck- fine my shift is over in 5.”

“Attaboy! I’ll be in the car.”

Cas was going to be sick. He tried breathing but it didn’t slow down. Dean was on the other side of the bus talking to the victim, he was feeling lightheaded. He needed water… He fell from the gravity pulling him to Earth. Hands placed on the Impala to brace him, he could feel the sweat on his palms and forehead. 

Dean was by his side asking him what was wrong, explaining he had seen this before in Heaven. Dean got Cas inside the car and got him a water bottle. Sipping he told Dean more about this angel. 

“But the last victim was just some moody kid.”

“Dean, I have been on Earth for a few years and I’m only begun to grasp it. To him, pain is pain.”

“So everyone is fair game? Well, we have to stop him.”

“YOU… have to stop him.” Dean saw something maybe finally, his face was more gentle, fewer jokes. “You’re scared?”

“It’s different now.”

“You’re right. Stay safe, go on that date- live a normal life. Hell me and Sam tried, but maybe it takes an angel to be normal for once.” Dean sighed, encouraging Cas further away. The further he goes this way, he won’t see either of the brothers. But sighing, Cas nods. Dean waits before Cas reminds him he doesn’t have wings.

Cas was nervous, to say the least, he never actually been on a date. Sex, yes… dating not that much. He didn’t have that relationship with Dean, although maybe at times it felt like they were on one… Cas wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Dean spooked him, telling him he couldn’t go. This ache, hoping Dean says no don’t go. Stay with me, come back with me. “You’re going to wear that on a date?”

“This is all I have, Dean…” Cas said sadly. Dean instructed to undo his buttons, which Cas complied until Dean made him stop. He tried to ignore Dean’s hungry eyes, he didn’t want to fool himself. Dean did… want him in some way at least. Or Dean was planning on killing and eating him, but that seemed less likely.

“What if I suck at this? Like hunting?” Cas said with slight panic looking from the house to Dean. “You’ll be fine, you’re a natural in bed at least. I mean… I would know.” Dean said without missing a beat. They stared at each other, with a growing crimson faces. “Go get em’ tiger.” Dean pats Cas before Cas leaves the car. Cas was burning red, flustered… because Dean isn’t driving away yet, and this is so awkward already. Picking a rose, and trying to shoo him.

This day of cosmic disappointments was almost laughable. Feeling more and more like this sad circus clown who can’t catch a break. Babysitting wasn’t what he was thinking at all, he has never taken care of a child before… he could accidentally break it. The tiny little human won’t stop crying, he tries to lull her to sleep singing the only song that popped in his head. From a show Dean has had him watch, he related to her pain. Being completely new to this world, with no guidance, and permission. Just brought into the world that’s cruel. He touched her head, explaining that in the past he could just touch to ease her cries… finding she was burning up. Nora wasn’t picking up the phone, and his panic was setting in. He had a small life in his hands, and he couldn’t allow this moment for it to disable him. He wrapped her up in his arms, heading for the door. The angel, Ephraim… appeared in the doorway. Stepping back into the house, placing her in the crib. Ready to protect this small human’s life. “It’s a fever… it’ll pass.”

“I’m not here for her, I’m here for you. Your pain brought me here. I can hear it for miles... “ he ran his hand over the thorns, cutting his hand to bleed a sigil. The angel continued to remind Cas what he already knew, the suffering he felt. He was wrong though, Cas didn’t want to die. He wanted to live, to have the chance to get better… he had to believe in it. His hand was caught, with a twist, Ephraim sprained- coming close to breaking Cas’s wrist. Cas explained he wanted to live, but response? Angel or a man? 

Stepping down the steps, Nora stopping him. “The part of you that cares so much? That’s what makes you special.” Cas gave a soft smile, before walking back to the car to Dean. Dean wasn’t making any remarks, he seemed worried about other things. Probably with Sam… Cas sat in the car with Dean, Dean taking him to the hotel room he got.

Cas was tired, he was sad, honestly, he just wanted to be alone. He knew Dean couldn’t give him what he needed, or wanted. “Where are you sleeping Cas?”

“I figured the floor,” Cas looked in the closet to see if it had extra pillows and blankets. “No, I mean… where have you been sleeping?”

Cas rolled his head around to face Dean. “Honest answer or the answer that doesn’t make you feel bad?”

“Well, that doesn’t sound good.”

“If I’m opening, I can sneak in the middle of the night and I sleep in the closet. If I don’t open, then it’s really which patch of nature isn’t going to kill me if I sleep under it.”

“Dammit, Cas… why didn’t you ask- I could’ve gotten you stuff. We have plenty of fucking cars in the bunker, a credit card to use? Why didn’t you ask for help?”

“You wanted me gone,” Cas said flatly. “I left and got as far as I could because you hate me.”

“I do not hate you. If I hate you, I wouldn’t have saved your life.” Dean barked.

“Yes you would, because you’re the hero.” Cas snapped in retaliation. Dean sucked in another barking comment, instead tried to be the adult in the room. “I- would’ve wanted to help.”

“I didn’t want it.” Cas turned away. “I didn’t want you to see me as a fuck up, that I couldn’t do things without you. I guess I failed… I have a job that you think is stupid, I can’t even get a date- fuck. What I would do for some human on human contact, that isn’t me being tortured would-” Cas was ranting and didn’t watch Dean stand behind him. He wrapped his arms around Cas’ waist. Cas stopped talking. His body froze. “Please don’t hu-”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Dean turned Cas to face him holding his face to his. “I’m not going to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You have though…” Cas pulled away, but Dean kept him in his arms. Cas was no longer stronger than Dean, he didn’t have the super-strength to push him away… or the will to do so. Dean didn’t say anything, just guided his hands under Cas’s shirt. Cas shivered. Dean pulled them away, to unbutton it. Guiding Cas’s hands to his own body, tugging his flannel then shirt off. Dean pushed Cas back softly into the bed. The back of his knees hitting the bed, making him sit. Dean slid to the floor, rubbing Cas’s thighs. Cas chewed on his lip until it bled.

Dean pulled off his shoes and tugging his pants down, Cas sucked in air. His fingers clawing at the edge of the bed. Dean was slow, careful. His mouth grazed over his skin and Cas was quickly rising. Dean chuckled at how easy it was to get Cas excited, while Cas tried to avoid looking at him. It was hard to stare at his face, Cas would embarrass himself further. 

Dean palmed his cock pressing against the boxers. His mouth replacing the hand, Cas gasped. Feeling the heat seep into the cloth, the wetness of Dean’s mouth began to slick Cas’s cock. He twitched under the feeling, as much as he loved what Dean was doing- he wanted Dean to be doing that to his mouth instead. Just kiss me, dumbass. But the words don’t come out.

Dean pulls away to push off his jeans, then sliding off Cas’ underwear. Cas allowed Dean to do what he pleased, being touched- just starved. Cas could be getting a blow job by a shark at this point and not care because of how much he’s wanted someone to touch him.

Dean pushed Cas down on the bed, his back melting into the sheets. It was a cloud, Cas had been sleeping on concrete or dirt for almost a month. Dean pushed him up the bed, he nipped at Cas’ hips with his teeth. Making the former angel jump. Dean gave a few kitten-like licks to Cas’s dick, moving his tongue with the curve of the shaft. Running over every vein, before sinking his head down between Cas’s legs. Cas arched his back and leaned his head back, he couldn’t watch. It was the most delicious sight he’s ever seen… it’s not the first time, but damn if being human didn’t make it more intense. He wasn’t going to last barely at all, being an angel… there are things that prevent the feeling from being extreme. You couldn’t… feel the emotions.

Cas shook and gripped Dean’s short locks, and came instantly. Dean gagged and coughed, pulling up. He looked at Cas with watery eyes from choking but swallowed what he had. Before smirking. “Like that?”

Cas nodded. “I’m sorry… I’m not... “ Blushing.

“Relax man, you’re basically a virgin.”

“Far from it…” Cas groaned. “I remember you made sure of that.”

“Hey _you_ fucked _my ass_ ,” Dean chuckled hovering over him.

“It was a nice ass.” Cas smiled up at him. Cas dared to lean up to kiss him, but Dean was already getting up to grab stuff from his duffle. “You’ve fucked me plenty…” Dean smiled. “I remember breaking Bobby’s sink when you fucked me in the upstairs bathroom after you had 20 rounds of tequila with Ellen.”

“I don’t remember you complaining about it,” Cas pushed himself up on his elbows. Dean returned to him on the bed, lips almost touching. “I’m not complaining… but I want to pitcher tonight.”

“I don’t understand that term.” Cas tilted his head.

“I don’t want to be on the bottom... “ Dean was blushing, which Cas found very cute. It brought out his eyes and freckles. But it made Cas nervous, he never been on the bottom… the only time he had received it, it was from Metatron and the pain was unbearable. He felt guilt in his stomach. “Dean… did I hurt you in the past?” Cas asked meekly, he was an angel when he had been with Dean. It already took a lot of restraint to not break Dean in half.

“What? No, like not at all. It’s been fine- great actually. Just, it’s… you haven’t had it good before. I want it to feel good for you. Then if you don’t like it, we don’t have to do it.”

“Oh…” Cas thought. Dean is thinking about him in this. “Positive reinforcement?”

“Yeah, I guess you can call it that… It’s I’ve been with a lot of people, and you’re aware that I’ve been around. Nothing gets me off more than when the other person feels good.”

“I trust you…” Cas said leaning back into the beds. “What do I have to do?”

“Just relax, and let me take care of you.” Dean leaned against his ear. Cas let his body be moved to however Dean wants him. Dean sat on his knees, his legs wide and sturdy. He wrapped Cas’s leg around one side of him, the other he kept on the bed. Using lube from his duffle, he coated his first, pushing the smallest digit inside Cas. Cas stiffened, it didn’t hurt or anything- just felt weird. He was starting to fear he wasn’t ‘clean’ down there, and his insecurity in all of this was turning its ugly head. Cas squirmed.

“Relax...:” Dean said with a deep, rich, voice. Cas stilled but, he wasn’t comfortable. 

“What if… I’m not clean like business is not taken care of…” Cas said shyly, Dean didn’t seem annoyed- if anything expected the response. “Well do you feel like you have to go?”

“... No, not really.” Cas shook his head, Dean smiled at him. 

“Cas it’s normal you know like it’s just how the body works. It’s not a big deal.”

“It’s weird…” Cas grumbled. “You never seemed this nervous when I was with you.”

“Well you’re not the first dick I had in my ass, and I’ve had awkward moments… Porn is going to just paint this out, that you can stick it in, thurst and end of story… that’s not really all that it is.”

“Dean Winchester, the sex expert.” Cas covered his face with a hand, he hadn’t noticed with them talking Dean had two different fingers in him now. “Were you distracting me?”

“Cas don’t clench up,” Dean scolded. “I said relax.”

“Talking… helps.” Cas said with a nervous posture.

“Well, we can keep talking.”

“Why are you being so sweet?”

“You seemed shocked?” Dean looked up at Cas who shrugged.

“It’s not what I expected… I figured if we… had sex. You’d be throwing me around and being rough.”

“Is that because that’s how we usually did it. Your angelic grace holding me and fucked me against anything- cause I fucking loved it.”

“I’m sorry I can’t do that anymore…”

“Cas don’t think of it like that. I didn’t hook up with you in the past, because of your powers. I did it because I liked you. Don’t read into too much, it’s not that shallow.”

“So you could like me… like this?”

“Well I blew you didn’t I?” Dean shook his head. “Stop worrying so much…”

“Sorry.”

“You gotta stop apologizing for being human.” Dean used his other had to cup Cas’ cheek. 

“Okay-Ah-”

“There it is, took a second to find that fucker.” Dean rubbed over the spot again, gaining a shrill cry from Cas. 

“Wh-what is that?” Cas asked him with a shocked expression.

“Your love button? Male g-spot?” Dean giggled, gaining a nod. “Your prostate.”

“I am aware of what a prostate is… I just wasn’t aware- it could feel like-Ahhh…” Cas hissed towards the end, as Dean come hither motion over it… again and again. Cas felt like his skin was being electrocuted. His body jolting and becoming overstimulated. He was pushing back against Dean’s two fingers, which turned into three. Two of them pushed his hole open, massaging the ring of muscles while the middle continued to massage his prostate.

“I’m becoming… very aware, you’re really good at this.” Cas breathed completely boneless and in bliss. Dean gave a small amused noise but continued opening Cas, Working him over and over until Cas didn’t even react anymore. The precum dripping down Cas’ shaft, swelling and begging to be touched. Cas rolled his head to the side, watching as Dean slid a latex material over his cock. Before drenching himself with the rest of the lube packet. “I’m not that delicate…” Cas retorted as Dean lined himself up. 

“Yeah…” Dean pushed in, Cas instinctively clenched which made him wince in pain. “Relax babe, it’s just the tip” Cas took a deep breath, Dean waited patiently for him. Once gaining a nod from Cas, Dean pushed in more. About two inches deep, Cas arched his back as it grazed over the prostate. Going deeper, about the third inch, Cas had to wince again. It was more painful the deeper it was, than the first two inches. Cas hadn’t really compared other men’s ‘size’, but Cas could tell only by the third inch, there was a lot left to go. Cas began to get really nervous, it was hurting, and he was having a hard time relaxing.

“Your penis is really big…” Cas whined.

“You know guys get really turned on by hearing that…” Dean said through thick lustful voice.

“R-Really? It wasn’t meant to be a compliment-AH!” Cas yelped as Dean pushed the remaining inches in. Cas’s jaw fell open with trembling breath. Dean pulled back a bit, before pushing it all the way in. It was a blunt and sharp pain that went into his stomach. It didn’t last very long, it began quickly to become pleasurable- closing his eyes. Dean found a pace, that made Cas feel like he was in waves of an ocean. Rocking him with such perfection and care, understanding Dean was trying to find every sweet spot. 

“You okay, Cas?” Dean leaned over him. Cas reopened them, hooded lids. Cas threw his arms over Dean’s shoulders, his hands finally exploring. Dean was always interesting to look at, but now… he found him incredibly attractive, alluring. Feeling every scar, curve, feel of Dean’s body.

Every touch, smell, taste. Cas wasn’t sure if it was on purpose, but Dean avoiding kissing him. When Cas leaned up, Dean would bite down on his neck. Cas did the same, tasting the salt and smell gunpowder on the curve of Dean’s shoulder. 

Cas felt intoxicated by Dean’s moans, his small gasps. Cas could barely contain himself anymore. Grabbing Dean’s face, one hand back of his neck. He needed to kiss him, he needed to taste those sounds. Dean pulled away, Cas felt a blow to his stomach- if he wasn’t so close, he would’ve lost his arousal. Dean grabbed Cas’ hands, pinning them above his head. Leaning down to Cas’ ear. “I’m sorry… it- I- shouldn’t… you’ll thank me later.” Cas couldn’t help the tears starting to form, Dean tried to get them to finish as possible. The thrusts were harder, and faster. Cas couldn’t help that he still felt really good, but the pain in his chest was distracting. Cumming was almost a shock to both of them, and Dean pulled out without waiting much longer. 

“You should shower...:” Dean said sitting up, unable to look at Cas. Cas didn’t respond besides meekly getting up to comply. Feeling that was a disappointing end, underwhelming climax. He turned the handle on the shower, as he did he heard the motel door open and close. Dean, just like that was gone. Cas ruined all of it because he was greedy and wanted Dean in a way he shouldn’t. He wanted love, not sex. Maybe it scared Dean, Dean was the master of one night stands- or maybe because it was Cas, Dean didn’t want to go there. 

Leaving the shower, he took a deep breath. He had a warm place to stay, he felt more relaxed, and he had gotten this human connection. Even if this might mean this was the end between them. He didn’t want to keep crying, he’s already shed too many tears.

Stepping back out, the towel around his waist- he stopped to see Dean sitting on the bed, he had his laptop out, with what looked like a credit card. “Oh hey,” Dean looked over to him, Cas tilted his head in confusion.

“Dean… you’re still here?” Cas gestured to the door. Dean got up to grab his duffle with some sweatpants and a shirt, handing them over to a very confused Castiel. “Yeah, I stepped out for a bit to go to the motel clerk.”

“Oh?” Cas pulled the sweats on, then the shirt. Dean was only wearing a shirt and a pair of black boxers, wondering… did he really go out like that?

“Yeah I was putting this-” he waved the card, as he sat back down. “On the room. It should be good for a while.”

“Okay, why do I need to know that?”

“Because it’s for you dumbass, at least you have a room until the end of the month. By then enough steady cash flow- I don’t know you should move into an apartment or something.”

“Thanks, I suppose. I was fine.”

“No, you weren’t.” Cas rolled his eyes, before leaning back on the counter. “What?”

“Talking isn’t really your thing.” Cas sighed.

“So? What’s going on?”

“I’m new to all this- is there some ‘code’ or rule around sex- it got weird Dean.”

“Yeah…” Dean lowered his head. “I’m sorry, it’s just I didn’t think it through. Like all of that was-”

“A mistake? You’re going to say it was a mistake.” Cas said in a heated voice, Dean only responded with a shrug. “Well, why?”

“What?”

“Why was it a mistake?” Cas gestured with his hands. “Because I’m human now?”

“Maybe- I don’t know, no. It’s more me- I…” Dean closed his laptop, getting up. Cas stiffened as he walked over to him, being shoulder to shoulder. “I am not relationship material… and I don’t want- I don’t like hurting you. It seems like something we do a lot, hurt.”

“I… hurt you?” Cas asked, his face dropped.

“Well yeah, I mean there’s a lot of stuff I’m just trying to forgive- but it’s easier to forgive than to forget it. Like after the Leviathans… Sam’s head… leaving me in Purgatory. All the times I’ve lost you, all the times I’ve had to say goodbye. It hurts.”

“Dean-” Cas can’t form words. “I’m sorry.”

“I know, and look I am too. I know I hurt you… With stuff going on, it’s not because of you at all. It’s just not a good time- my head can’t be there, in that headspace.”

“Why did you stay?” Cas asked. “You didn’t leave earlier, you stayed.”

“Well… I am selfish, and I don’t want to leave you yet.”

“You don’t want to leave… then why can’t- why wasn’t that okay? Kissing?”

“Because…” Dean was shaking, he laughed at how his own body betrayed him. “Because I know I’m not good enough. I think you don’t see that yet because you are new to this… and I don’t want to be your first heartbreak.”

“So it’s okay I break yours?” Cas stepped forward to face Dean. “Well, maybe it needs to be-”

“You’ve been through so much-”

“Just fucking kiss me, idiot,” Cas said with a snap. Dean responded without fail, grabbing Cas’s face to his own. Their lips pressed together, Cas’s chapped to Dean’s perfectly lush ones. Hands shifting into each other’s hair, Dean quickly picking Cas up and taking him back onto the bed. Pushing his laptop off the bed, to just a heavy pet. “Dean… I don’t think I can handle another round of sex… I have work-” Looking at the clock on the table. “In 6 hours.”

“I don’t think I can… too,” Dean responded but they continued to pet and grope. His teeth clinking against Dean’s until they both slowly went for nuzzling. Dean took Cas’s hands into his, fingers intertwined, as their heads rested together. Noses touching, and peck exchanges as they dozed into the night. Sleeping soundly, both calm and relaxed. Neither woke with nightmares, only shifting a bit as they slept. Dean rolled into Cas more, laying on his stomach. While Cas was so comfortable for once, he stretched his body out, wrapping Dean into his arms like wings.

When the morning came, Cas woke with Dean still asleep. He stared at the soft sleeping face, the man… he knew he was in love with. Being human, he felt so much pain, and hurt… but only until now, did he know what love felt like. Dean’s face was so soft compared to the usual clenched jaw, and hardened expressions. Cas admired the long lashes, to the just restful lids. The plush pink lips, just plump and ready to be kissed. The golden skin dusted with darker freckles. Counting them all would be like counting all the stars, it wouldn’t be humanly possible. “Cas…” Dean whispered with his eyes closed. “Hmm?”

“Stop staring at me… it’s creepy.” Dean smiled, before opening his eyes. Cas reached to comb his fingers in the short dark honey locks. “I can’t help it, you’ve always been so beautiful to look at.”

Dean rolled onto his back, covering his face with the pillow. “You can’t say stuff like that.”

“Why not?” Cas leaned over Dean, ready to kiss him.

“Because I will never get out of this bed.” Dean groaned, removing the pillow to match Castiel’s waiting lips. Cas held Dean’s jaw, kissing him tenderly.

“Guess you’ll be leaving,” Cas said with a bit of disappointment.

“Yeah, with everything going on… I can’t drop the ball and be in a-”

“Relationship? Dean, it’s okay. I get it. We both know this isn’t going to work- but what the hell right?” Cas responded with optimism, and Dean smiled. “This is fun… and humans have fun.”

Dean dropped him off at work, they talked a little more. Dean encouraged him to keep to the normal life, but Cas had doubts. He wasn't sure he should keep to a normal life, maybe he should find a way for the angels to get home. He had so much uncertainty but one thing he did know… was he was in love, truly, with Dean Winchester.


End file.
